Love is one of the most studied and least understood areas in psychology today, according to Psychology Today.
Licensed marriage and family therapy associate and assistant professor in the College of Human Sciences Department of Community, Family, and Addiction Dr. Cameron Brown (Photo provided from TTU website)
Dr. Cameron Brown–a licensed marriage and family therapy associate at Desert Sky Family Therapy and an assistant professor in the College of Human Sciences at Texas Tech in the Department of Community, Family, and Addiction Sciences–described new relationships in today’s era as ambiguous.
“We’re seeing a phenomenon that we are, myself and actually a few other researchers, are calling ‘just talking,’” Brown said. “This interesting ambiguous part of the relationship, if you’re not in the friend zone, you’re not in the friend category, you’re not officially a couple or in a committed relationship, you’re in this weird ‘we’re just talking.’”
Brown mentions that Dr. Scott Sibley, a professor at Northern Illinois University in the Department of Family and Consumer Sciences, has been spearheading research on “just talking”, and has provided lots of useful information on the topic.
Brown went on to provide a list, in no specific order, of factors that he and other researchers have learned through qualitative interviews and surveys pertaining to the “just talking” phase.
“We understand a few different things: Number one, it’s in between this stage of friends and a committed relationship,” Brown said. “Number two, it is purposefully ambiguous, number 3, you can be ‘just talking’ not just with one but two partners but many partners, and number four, many people are very frustrated with this ‘just talking’ phase.”
Dr. Dana Weiser, an associate professor in Human Development and Family Sciences and a faculty affiliate in the Women and Gender Studies program at Texas Tech, said she believes technology has played a large role in the new dynamics of dating.
“I think technology is definitely the biggest difference between how relationships were 10 to 15 years ago, I mean smartphones were just kind of getting off the ground and becoming increasingly popular,” Weiser said. “Online dating has become increasingly common and popular that a good percentage of relationships start from online dating.”
Associate professor in Human Development and Family Sciences, and faculty affiliate in Women and Gender Studies Dr. Dana Weiser (Photo provided from TTU website)
More than half of Americans say relationships that began as online dating are just as successful as those that start in person, according to Pew Research.
Kellye Wilhite, an LPC and private practice owner in Lubbock, said she thinks relationships have changed due to a lack of pursuit.
“Now what I see in relationships is “somebody DMs me on Snapchat”, or they snap me, ‘Ya wanna hangout?’ and there is no pursuit, there is no effort that’s put in,” Wilhite said. “Sex, and pursuit, and all of those things have just changed, and it’s not as secret anymore as it used to be.”
Brown attributes social media to the transformation of relationships now as opposed to 10 to 15 years ago.
“Social media and our presence and identity online didn’t play nearly as big of a role as it does now. A big chunk of people meet partners and people they want to be spending time with either intimately or friendship wise online,” Brown said.
Weiser said relationships have evolved in positive and negative ways, but the expectations are not the same for mix-gendered couples.
“How we’re socialized with regard to gender and relationships and sexuality has evolved, but we’re still in a society that is highly patriarchal, that sexual double-standards are alive and well and operating within our romantic relationships and sexual scripts,” Weiser said. “Things have definitely changed and improved from my point of view that they are more egalitarian, but they’re definitely not–the expectations still are not the same for mix-gender couples.”
LPC and private practice owner Kellye Wilhite (Photo provided by Kellye Wilhite)
Wilhite said her best advice for success in future romantic relationships is to take things slow and acknowledge the “yellow and red flags” that do not work for you.
“Know that the first two to three months when we all get ‘Oh my gosh! I’m in it!’ and the butterflies are rolling, that’s when people are on their best behavior, you’re not seeing the real person at that time,” Wilhite said. “You should go slow and steady, like the turtle, because it’s after those two to three months that you start to see real behaviors.”
Weiser said, “conflict is going to be inevitable,” but the way you address it will help protect the stability of the relationship, and that quality time is valuable to the growth of relationships.
“When you enter in conflict you always want to keep in mind that you want the outcome to be something that’s a win-win for you both,” Weiser said. “And make sure that you’re making time and having fun with each other, I think especially as you get older it becomes more difficult to make that quality time.”
Brown said he would offer two pieces of advice for people looking to jump into relationships.
“Number one is–there is no such thing as a perfect match, and that’s OK,” Brown said. “And then number two is make overt decisions about what you want to do as you’re heading into a relationship. Is this a good fit for you? Is this good for me? Is this helping me with my own goals?”
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