I don’t know how die-hard fans do it. For some reason someone failed to mention that every episode is a whooping two hours long. In the terms of first-world problems, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” That being said, I DVRed this weeks episode. Let me tell you, it was a doozy. It’s amazing what happens when a little bit of alcohol gets flowing. But I’ll save that for later.
The episode begins with Juan Pablo taking Clare on a miraculous date. Clare, who got a one-on-one date with the barely speaking English hunk, seemed very excited and hyped to go out in the middle of nowhere with a foreign stranger. As Juan Pablo enters the Bachelor mansion all of the other girls look like they want to attack him. “Oh hey Juan Pablo I’m going to mull you like a sexually frustrated tiger and have your children.” Okay, maybe that wasn’t exactly what was said, but I could tell by some of the women’s ‘hellos’ that previous statement was what they were truly thinking.
As Clare walks out with Juan Pablo he ties a blind fold on her so that the date’s destination will be a surprise. I’ll give him kudos for that, it’s a cute idea. As all of the other women watched them leave one said, “He’s even cute with another girl.” Bish please, if you’re admitting that out loud you need to leave. Focus on the task at hand get a rose or get replaced. Clare’s date card said ‘let’s chill,’ so they’re doing something that involves the cold? At least, that’s what my human-like instincts predicted.
What do you know, homegirl was right. Clare and Juan Pablo show up to a winter wonderland in the middle of LA. There’s literally an ice skating area, and slopes to go tubbing down. I have to admit it’s a pretty cool setup (I’m so puny.) While Clare is out on her date all of the women back at the mansion are talking about how much they like Clare, which is super nice of them. They could trash talk her out the wazoo. The best part of this scene is Lucy (remember, she’s the hippie child that belongs in a Free People ad) who is outside talking to a few other ladies. This doesn’t seem like it would be a big deal, but she’s only topless. HI YOU DON’T KNOW THESE PEOPLE AND YOU’RE JUST SHOWING THE GOODS. I digress. This is only foreshadowing for the second half of the episode.
Back to Juan Pablo and Clare. Things seem to go well in the frozen love zone. Juan Pablo admits that he thinks Clare would be a good match for Camila. That seems pretty serious to me. You would trust this really pretty stranger to handle your daughter. As the two go ice skating Clare said that Juan Pablo “comforts her.” Oh, so when you fell while ice skating he pick you up and brushed off that snow on your knees? Yeah…he sounds so comforting. Y’all are already on the way to love, obviously. *gags noises here*
After their ice skating escapade there is (of course) a bubbling hot tub waiting for them. Clare decides to be vulnerable to Juan Pablo by telling him about her father who passed away. So she has daddy issues. Run Juan Pablo, run. Just Kidding. He reacted well to her story and they talk more about family stuff. Juan Pablo ended up giving her a rose, which I think she definitely deserved. All of the sudden random music begins playing and there’s a private concert for the two of them. The best part of this entire scene is that it’s snowing….out of no where.
As cute as all of this is, I would be like “um hey Juan Pablo it’s freaking cold and I’m in a swimsuit and a jacket. can we go home now?” But then again maybe his physical hotness instantly warmed her. Totally probable.
“There’s trouble in paradise when Elise and Andi are asked to literally wear signs that show all of their body parts. Hi, this isn’t PETA.”
Next up for a one-on-one date is Kat. I see a trend here. Kat, like Clare, is tan, skinny and blonde. I mean, maybe the man has a type. Juan Pablo must have a thing for surprises because he takes Kat to a random airport where a private jet is waiting. Her date card said “I can feel the electricity.” Kat had no idea where they were going and Juan Pablo refused to tell her. As Kat looks out the window of the plane, Juan Pablo disappears for a few minutes. When he returns, he is wearing neon clothing that also glows in the dark. He also has similar clothing for Kat. At this point, I’m thinking rave.
They end up landing in Salt Lake City, Utah. The pair ends up going to an event called the ‘Electric Run.’ If you’ve ever done a ‘Color Run’ (basically where you run and willing get colored powder thrown on you) it’s a similar concept- but on acid. Everything is lit up in neon lights and seems like a party. I would have been all over that date. After the race Juan Pablo and Kat get to go on a stage in front of a bajillion and a half people and dance to rave music. While on stage, Juan Pablo asked Kat if she’ll accept a rose. Of course she said heck to the freaking yes.
After Kat gets her date, Juan Pablo has set up a group date for a few of the remaining ladies. Sorry, did I say a few? I meant 13 of them. I feel like that is SO many. I wouldn’t be able to focus if I was Juan Pablo. I would probably ask “who are you again?” at least 20,000 times. The group consisted of Chelsi, Christy, Kelly, Casandra, Andi, Renea, Lauren, Ali, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy. That was not even all of the women in the house. A few of them didn’t get a date this week. Which is so unfortunate.
The group ends up doing a huge photo shoot with a bunch of dogs that are up for adoption. The Bachelor teemed up with Models and Mutts for this date. It was a cute concept. The only thing was, based on what dog you had, you had to wear a costume that complimented that canine. Chelsi was my favorite during that date. She got to wear a massive afro and she looked like she was having the time of her life. There’s trouble in paradise when Elise and Andi are asked to literally wear signs that show all of their body parts. Hi, this isn’t PETA.
Elise had such a big problem with it because she’s a first grade teacher. I hear ya girl. She decides to trade with Lucy, because as we know, Lucy is more than comfortable showing what her mama gave her. Lucy also walked nude down the street to cause some commotion. At this point, nothing surprises me about this girl or season for that matter. Andi ends up getting comforted by Juan Pablo about the nude part of the shoot. Lucy, Andi, Juan Pablo and two dogs end up being good sports and show their goodies to the world.
After the photo shoot the ladies and Juan Pablo go to a hotel overlooking downtown LA. Everyone seems to be having a good time and is socially drinking. This is important. Anyways before the big catastrophe happens, Cassandra steas Juan away to tell him she has a son. Now their are two mom’s on the show (she and Renea.) I have to say that’s pretty brave of them.
While Juan is talking to some more of the ladies, it is apparent that Victoria has had way too much to drink and she looks like a drunk a$$ bi*&^. Literally, the girl is a train wreck and isn’t even speaking english anymore. She was so intoxicated that she told the Bachelor producers that she wanted to go home right then and there. She ends up saying more crazy things and ends up hiding in the bathroom at the end of the night.
“‘Oh hey Juan Pablo I’m going to mull you like a sexually frustrated tiger and have your children.’ Okay, maybe that wasn’t exactly what was said, but I could tell by some of the women’s ‘hellos’ that previous statement was what they were truly thinking.”
Lucy ends up interrupting Juan Pablo and Nikki’s time together to tell him about Victoria. Long story short, he tries to convince Victoria to leave the porcelain throne but fails in coaxing her. At the end of the night Juan Pablo proves he is a gentleman and tells the girls to be nice to her because she’s mentally delusional and that the pressure can add up sometimes. Honestly, Victoria is so lucky. She should be mortified. It was so bad I felt awkward the entire time. Oh, and somewhere in there he gave Kelly a rose. Drama, drama, drama.
The next morning Juan Pablo made the executive decision to tell Victoria that she had to leave because in the end, she could be a hazard to Camila. Amen to that. At the end of the episode the rose ceremony happens and Chantel and Amy L are sent home alongside Victoria. If the rest of the season continues to be as bat sh*$% crazy as this episode was, I don’t know how I’m going to contain my excitement- or sanity for that matter.
About Lauren Estlinbaum
