Marriage and Divorce from a Millennial Point of View

Whether it is a discovered note of betrayal, a heated confrontation, or a drink from a bottle, three stories paint a picture of marriage and divorce among a new generation.

Growing up with divorced parents has shaped these millennials into who they are today and contributed to the way they make life-long commitments.

According to the Wilkinson and Finkbeiner Law Firm, divorce rates in the country are actually going down, but 50 percent of marriages still end in divorce. They also say that researchers estimate 41 percent of first marriages end in divorce while second marriages end in divorce 60 percent of the time and third marriages end in divorce 73 percent of the time.

Gallup shows 59 percent of millennials have not yet been married for various reasons.

These are some millennials who have dealt with divorce in their own families, but they have still decided to say “I do.”

Nesley Clem, a 24-year-old newlywed going on her first year of marriage to her husband, Konnor, said when she was 3 years old, the effect of her parent’s divorce had a big impact on her life.

She said she was too young to remember, but from her understanding, her mother walked in on her father with one of her mother’s good friends. She said this lead to moving and drastic changes in her and her younger sister’s home life.

While her father was still involved with his daughters soon after the divorce, she said things changed as both parents remarried. She said her father went on to have more children and faded to the periphery.

Clem said she considers the man her mom remarried to be more of her father figure than her biological father.

“He’s not much in my life anymore, my stepdad has become my father figure,” Clem said. “My dad is still there and I still talk to him, but as far as being there and helping me through life, he didn’t really raise us.”

She said her sister has pretty much nothing to do with their father, but she loves her half-brother and that is one of the reasons she stays in touch.

She said when your family is broken, it leaves you worried about your future and the people you have relationships with.

On the flip side, her husband’s parents have been together since they married and that is the image he grew up with. She said he does not believe in divorce because of his religion. But, she said her parents’ divorce has made her worry every day with her husband.

She said she waited for her husband to be like her father, but the longer she has been with her husband, she grew to trust more and slowly started to feel more comfortable that divorce would not be an option for them.

Clem said she chose to have her stepdad walk her down the aisle instead of her biological father. She said even though her current circumstances are the result of her father’s decision all that time ago, she still had trouble telling him.

In the end, her father was sick on her wedding day and was not able to attend, which she said this was probably for the best because she knew the effect it would have on her if she saw him while walking down the aisle.

Konnor and Nesley Clem with their wedding party. Credit: Nesley Clem’s Facebook

“I think that’s when reality hit and I realized that you’re my dad and you’ll always be my dad, but I don’t need to feel guilty about anything because up to that point I felt guilty about quite a bit,” Clem said. “He wasn’t there for my wedding day, I don’t need to feel guilty for anything, because he made his choices and I made mine and life goes on.”

Marriage can be a difficult endeavor and family experience can shape how people view this commitment, but people like Dr. Amanda Alexander, a licensed psychologist, are here to help people through the things after the “I do.”

Alexander said she sees couples from all walks of life. In most cases, she said often couples come in doing a lot of things well and building on that is important to help them come out of the problems they may be having.

She said marriage in this generation can come with a unique set of challenges as well as the more traditional challenges of generations past. Communication has always been a challenge for couples, but she said now it is difficult because of other factors.

With texting, email, and emojis, she said people can often have trouble communicating in a more traditional way.

“Even if we know we are texting our partner, it still doesn’t have the same emotional quality as sitting with someone, looking at their body language, making eye contact, seeing what kind of facial reactions that you’re going to get from that person,” Alexander explains. “When it becomes the default, we can lose touch of what it means to intimately communicate with people.”

Another problem couples face today is time demands, Alexander said. With couples being dual career, she said this can be challenging.

For children of divorced couples, she said just because your parents get a divorce does not mean you are going to get a divorce.

Alexander said people’s family background can lay out a blueprint for how they build a life and relationship. She explains the blueprint can be a very powerful thing and understanding what about it works and what about it does not work is key to creating a relationship that will work for both partners.

“The presence of divorce in either partners’ background is really less of a concern,” Alexander said. “More so the quality of those relationships is what we see more.”

By quality of the relationships, she said she means the presence of abuse, neglect, dependency, or unhealthy communication patterns in these relationships that could lead to issues as opposed to focusing on just the divorce itself.

One thing she emphasized is for couples to be willing to get help when they need it. She said this can be hard because our society can still stigmatize the mental healthcare field.

“There is no shame in saying, ‘Let’s go in for a tune up,’” Alexander said. “We tune up our cars all the time because we hope that they stay running and that they continue to work for us. But, we don’t usually do the same thing with our relationship even though we know it is an incredibly complicated and complex thing. We tend to just think it will run itself.”

Besides infidelity, lifestyle choices can also create a rift that cannot be crossed.

Elizabeth Hale, a recently engaged 22-year-old, said her father was an alcoholic and her mother gave him an ultimatum, but he could not make a change.

Hale was a freshman in high school when the divorce happened and she feels like it was good thing because she did not have a good relationship with her father.

Elizabeth Hale posing with her fiancé, Sam, on the beach. Credit: Elizabeth Hale

“It definitely deteriorated because the alcoholism was so clear,” Hale said. “He was never abusive to us ever, like he was very soft, but you know he just became very reclusive and kind of took himself out of our lives and so it was very easy for us to move on without him once my parents divorced and we moved.”

While she does not think it impacted how she approaches relationships with men, she knows how important her relationship with her fiancé is. But, she sees a difference in her mother and sister’s relationships. She feels like her mom has tried instilling an independent nature in them because of how her marriage turned out.

“When she was with my father, she really tried to put him first and she would encourage him to better himself, but it seemed like he didn’t want to better himself,” Hale said. “He wanted to drink.”

Hale said she puts her relationship with her fiancé first and herself second, but she realizes every decision her mother made was to better their lives. Hale said moving away from West Virginia could have been one of the best things that happened.

Elizabeth and her fiancé, Sam, on a hiking trip. Credit: Elizabeth Hale

“It’s weird because at the end of the day, the divorce was honestly, it was a relief,” Hale said. “It was not a good situation at home.”

When she reflects on the time missed with her father, she said it is hard to think about because alcoholism is hard to deal with.

“Like it happened so long ago, but it’s so hard with the alcohol, it’s just like you can’t even, he’s like a different person,” Hale said, while trying to fight back tears. “With the alcohol, he has not been the same person probably since I was in the third grade.”

She said marriage was never something she desired, but her relationship comes first and if her fiancé wants to get married, she wants to as well.

“I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with him,” Hale said. “Whether I have a piece of paper saying it or not. So, if it’s important to him, let’s do it.”

 

Casey Moses, a 27-year-old who is going on his third year of marriage to his wife, said he knows the beginning of the end of his parents’ relationship. His older brother innocently brought a note that he had found to his mother.

Casey and Stephanie Moses sharing their first dance at their wedding. Excited for the future. Credit: Casey Moses’ Facebook

Moses said this letter was not addressed to his mom, but rather a woman at his father’s job.

After his father’s business in Lubbock closed, he said the family moved to Grapevine, Texas, and started anew. This is where he met the coworker and began his affair.

At 5 years old, Moses said he somewhat knew what was happening, but overall it was very confusing.

He said he started to sense something was up when his dad started staying in his older brother’s room and he was staying in his mom’s bedroom in their two-bedroom apartment.

Eventually, his parents got divorced. He said his parents started dating other people and his mother went on to be married three more times while his father married the woman he had the affair with.

“As I got older and started to think about it more often, you start to think ‘What if?’” Moses said. “Would I have had better opportunities or a better situation if my parents would have been together? Would it have been a more structured atmosphere?”

He said he and his brother changed schools often, having to adjust to new people and new curriculum repeatedly. He said there has been times when he felt some resentment towards both of his parents.

“It’s just kind of one of those things where you wondered, ‘What happened? What made him feel the need to go off and find somebody else?’” Moses said. “Was it the thoughts of somebody needed him more than what he felt needed, you know, in the marriage with my mom?”

Having had time to reflect, he said he has not really ever discussed this with his father, but he realizes the situation cannot be changed.

Down the road, early in 2013, Moses was on the precipice of his own marriage and popped the question to his girlfriend, Stephanie. In August of 2014, they married.

Moses said his experience with his parents’ marriage has really influenced him and was something he thought about during the whole process.

“I learned from my parents’ mistakes is what I feel like,” Moses said. “I’m very aware of what happened and I’m very aware of the effect that it had on myself and my brother and also my half-sister, that came about through my mom’s second marriage, and that’s something I don’t want my kids to go through and I don’t want to relive my parents’ mistakes.”

With all of this life experience, Moses said divorce is not an option. Going into his wedding, he said he thought “it is forever on this one.”

About Joseph Marcades

Joseph is the Graduate Managing Director for The Hub@TTU. He has a bachelor's degree in journalism from Texas Tech University and is currently pursuing his master's in mass communication. Has been with The Hub@TTU for one year. He loves his wife, football, golf, movies, Texas, and telling good stories.