Ladies and gentlemen, women who yearn for drama, young-something’s and their brave boyfriends who participate, it’s that time of year again. It’s Bachelor season.
I have decided to take it upon myself to watch this season because I’m actually interested in this candidate. My mom and I used to be Bachelor fanatics until all of the seasons seemed super commercialized and no one truly fell in love. It’s fine. I’ve come to terms with the situation. This being said, I am going out on a limb and doing the unthinkable: I am going to give weekly recaps of the season in my own words.
Brace yourself. For this post I’m reviewing the preview episode and the first episode. But first and for most, let’s talk about the actual Bachelor. He’s sexy. He gives the perfect smoldering look, and he barely speaks English. What more could one possibly want for a Bachelor candidate?
Meet Juan Pablo. Homeboy was born in New York, grew up in Venezuela and now lives in Miami. Oh yes. The sexy hunk of man is everything the ABC Network eludes him to be and more. I honestly lost count on the number of times the camera shows JUST his abs or his pecks and for some odd reason the shot seemed to be in slow-mo. Ladies, are you drooling yet?
But those are not the only attractive qualities Pablo presents. He also has a daughter, Camila, from a previous relationship. Pablo tells the viewers that he and Camila’s mother just couldn’t work it out after being together for two years. Yikes. That’s quite unfortunate for her considering how attractive he is. Downside, like I mentioned before, his English isn’t perfect. Everyone has faults, y’all.
Camila is shown throughout the entire preview episode and off and on in the first episode. It’s actually very sweet to watch him interact with her. You can tell he is a loving father who would do anything for his little girl. Another thing that is important to Pablo is his family. When he introduces them to viewers in the preview episode he describes his family as ‘crazy.’
“Let’s talk about the actual Bachelor. He’s sexy. He gives the perfect smoldering look, and he barely speaks English. What more could one possibly want for a Bachelor candidate?”
So, now that you know about the bachelor, meet the women. Usually the Bachelor and Bachelorette season let 25 contestants participate in a chance for love, but this season they let 27 women get their hopes up for a relationship of lust. The reason? Pablo caused such a reaction that basically a bajillion people applied for a spot on the show.
Before the night Pablo met all of his soon-to-be mistresses, he sat down with Bachelor alum, Sean. Lowe. Lowe gave him the details on how to survive the journey and how to truly find the real deal and a future wife. Surprisingly, Lowe and fiancé Catherine Giudici are still together and looking to get married (for now).
After a solid pep talk and some tears, Pablo is ready to own the night and meet the women of his dreams. First out of the limo was Chelsea. She seemed cute. That was the only thing that stood out about her. Next was Renea.
Renea is interesting because she’s basically the female doppelganger of Juan Pablo. She lives in Florida and she is a single mother. Andi was next and she seemed like a boss a$$ bi%# who has her life together. I like that.
My personal favorite out of this limo bunch was message therapist Amy. Talk about awkward, this lady takes the cake and I couldn’t help but instantly see the crazy in her eyes. Next up was Nikki the pediatric nurse. She was precious. And very blonde.
Moving on to Lauren the mineral coordinator, I could just instantly tell I didn’t like her. She gave the world a sob story. She was dumped a year ago to a guy she was engaged to. She cried literally the entire time she was on the screen. The only thing Pablo is going to be to her is a rebound. He’s too hot for that. Bye.
Vallery is a sexy farm girl who is also a personal trainer (What?) and next was Lacy. Lacy owns an old folks home. How freaking sweet and down to earth is that?
Are you getting tired of hearing about all of these crazy ladies? So was Pablo. I honestly didn’t think he was going to make it past the second cab full of love-stricken women. Stay with me.
Next up was Kat, Chantel, and Victoria. And now, drum role please, meet Lucy. Lucy seems…interesting. When you see what her profession is, she describes herself as a ‘free spirit.’ What the hell kind of job is that classified under? Go on with your bad self hippie (really, a hippie, she didn’t wear shoes). HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FEET IN FRONT OF THE MIRACULOUS JUAN PABLO.
Anyways, Danielle followed along with Chelsi, Valerie, Elise, and Ashley. Another woman who made a grand entrance post-limo was Clare. As she stepped out of the car, she literally appears pregnant and Pablo’s face is like ‘Oh shi&%.’ It turns out that she is definitely not. Hallelujah.
Maggie was next and her cute southern accent made me smile, Kelly brought her dog because she’s a ‘dog lover’ for her profession, and Lacy is really pretty. Pablo also mentioned how pretty Alexis was. Kylie seems really freaking annoying and her pink dress looked like something I wouldn’t even wear to prom.
The last two who stepped out of the limo were not only gorgeous, but also intelligent, and Juan Pablo definitely took notice. Sharleen and Andi were definitely on the top of his list. This would explain why Sharleen got the first impression rose. Kudos to her! But wait, as Juan Pablo handed her the rose she HESITATED TO ACCEPT IT. WTH is wrong with you, you stupid girl?! This is the point of the game. She finally took it, and then I proceeded to breathe again.
“HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FEET IN FRONT OF THE MIRACULOUS JUAN PABLO.”
After Sharleen finally took the freaking rose, the best thing in Bachelor history happened. During the rose ceremony, Pablo called Kat’s name and Kylie (the girl who needed to take her dress off and burn it) went up to accept it instead. Juan Pablo was like sucks to suck, it’s for Kat. I would have melted to the floor and evaporated into thin air if I was Kylie. The best part of this entire scenario, Kylie didn’t even get a rose. This season is going to be interesting. The girls are hot, the bachelor is even hotter and all I want to do is make fun of it all.
About Lauren Estlinbaum
